I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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