She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
