i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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