I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
