I'm going to jail i love you
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
