I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
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i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
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Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"