The maid of honor just puked.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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