i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
