This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
