You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
