If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
