I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I deserve this hangover.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
