i'm signing you up for texting rehab
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
