Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
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I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
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turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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