You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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