I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
