I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
