Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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