Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
