I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
