lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
