The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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