Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
