it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
