i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
