i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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