He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
