My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
