someone threw a dead crab at me
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
