she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
