I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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