i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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