shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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