your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
