FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
