Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
