apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
