it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
