Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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