im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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