I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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