You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
