maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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