My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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