i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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