I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
