My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
