Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
