Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
