You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
