He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
