I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
