I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
