your parents love me but you hate me
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
His nipple licking is glorious
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