the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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