...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
