just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
